Okay, so before I embark on telling this story, I just
wanted to make sure that all of you who are in the area know about the shows coming up this weekend:
1.25 – Cincinnati, OH – Kaldi’s – $5 – 9pm
1.26 – Pontiac, MI – The Crofoot
- $5 – 7pm
1.27 – Elizabethtown, KY – The Backstage Cafe – $5 – 7pm
This
will be my first time ever in Kentucky, so that will make 28 of the 50 states that I’ve done shows in. I’ve been
to 45, but only done shows in 27. It seems weird to me that I’ve never done a show in Oklahoma.
—————————STORY
TIME——————————————————–
So this week, I decided to finally
use freecycle.org. Maybe you’ve heard of this site. It’s a website for two kinds of people: People who collect
crap, and people who enable people who collect crap. I actually fall into both categories: I own a belt buckle
from the Russian Army and a typewriter that has never, since I’ve owned it, worked at all (you can see it on the
album cover). I also occasionally get space-conscious and decide that I need to give away ALL OF THIS CRAP WHY DO
WE HAVE SO MUCH STUFF THINK OF AFRICA.
So this week, I decided to join freecycle. From the day
I got married, I haven’t slept entirely well. You can read that however you like, but the truth is that my wife
used to work at a homebuilding company, and when they remodeled one of their model homes, she bought a mattress
for $20. Every morning, I wake up feeling like a Bluth. A Bluth with a sore back.
So the
mattress had to go.
The sign-up process for freecycle is daunting enough: You not only have
fill out the form, but you have to send an e-mail informing them of why you want to join. (“i horde?”) Once you
are approved, each of your posts must also be personally approved by the moderator, ostensibly someone’s
overbearing mother who gets off on withholding. (I’M SORRY I JUST GOT SEASON ONE THIS WEEK, I KNOW I AM 5 YEARS
BEHIND, OKAY?)
So after one false start for not putting the neighborhood in the subject line,
I finally posted it:
“OFFER – KING SIZED MATTRESS, EAST NASHVILLE”
I tried
to be honest about how the mattress just really sucked. I know I’m giving it away for free, but I just hate sales
pitches. I didn’t think i would get many responses.
I was wrong.
The next
afternoon, I log in to see no less than ELEVEN responses. How do I decide who gets my mattress? Well, I guess I
start at the beginning…
“Hey _____________
thanks for the e-mail! lots of
responses so far, but no phone calls, if you’re still interested, give me a call at
xxx-xxx-xxxx”
The problem is that the further down the line I get, the pleas get more
and more convincing.
“Yeah, I’d like an extra mattress”
“I’m moving, and
we’re getting a king-sized… a new mattress would be a big help”
“I have been looking all over for an
affordable mattress. please tell me it’s still available”
“I’m pregnant, and i hate my current
mattress”
I should have done this based on who needed it the most.
About half an hour later, the phone calls start. I decide I really need to stick to this
first-come, first-serve thing. The first one to call is the lady who is expecting. Once I inform her how the
mattress feels, “cardboard on springs. seriously” she decides to pass.
The next guy says he’ll
take it, he can come by in the morning.
Now comes the rejection phase. The next woman has a
special-needs child, a family of 5, and has owned her current mattress for 17 years. I feel TERRIBLE about telling
her I just gave it away. I wish I could take it back. FreeGuilt.org is no fun.
That evening,
the first guy calls back to tell me that a King-Sized mattress won’t fit his new apartment. He is really contrite,
but I am overjoyed. I can call the second lady back! She is glad to hear the news and says she’ll be over
tomorrow. *whew*
———–Fast-Forward————–
Saturday Morning. 5
more e-mails, and half-a-dozen phone calls later, this mattress is 5 minutes from walking out my door. I show my
wife the ad, to prove I’ve been forthcoming about the comfort level of this monstrocity. She seems satisfied, save
for one point:
“you know that’s not a king-sized mattress, right?”
no.
i did not know that.
to someone who has slept on dozens of couches in his
life, that is a huge bed.
they make them bigger?!
Our attempts to contact the lady
are unfruitful, and 20 minutes later, she is in my living room as I pull the mattress down the stairs. Her first
words: “um…. is that?…. is that a king-sized?”
“Agh. I’m ret. ….eeeally sorry.” I
explain.
*just pause a moment, and consider all those
implications*
Thankfully, she
cheerfully accepted my apology AND my mattress – she could use one for when her kids’ friends come over and spend
the night.
