My Dog Is An Atheist
my dog is an atheist.
I was convinced of this today, when in the course of about 2 minutes, I watched her defy the Bible about a half-dozen times.
1.) Thou Shalt Not Envy
I was cooking up some hot dogs in the microwave for lunch. Any time I try to cook, I have to practice a mixture of ballet and jujitsu just to avoid the ubiquitous little lab; she is constantly positioning herself to make sure that her “dog eyes” are visible to me. This never works, but she continues to try. I am convinced she is envious of my food, but it’s not so much the envy that bothers me, it’s the getting-tangled-up-in-my-feet. Is she trying to take me down, making the food more accessible? “Oops! wow that was NOM NOM NOM yeah that was a GULP bad fall. You okay?”I don’t think she’s quite *that* bold, but I’m not putting the capability for passive-agression beyond her.
2.) Thou Shalt Not Steal
The only buns I had for the hot dogs were hamburger buns. Well, obviously the hot dogs were not going to fit on the bread, so I had to break them in half, so I could stack them kind of like lincoln logs on the bread. Newly-microwaved hot dogs have two things working against them staying in my fingers. They are slippery, and they are hot. So one half of a hot dog slipped out of my fingers, and into the waiting jaws of Belle. I didn’t even have time to give the command of “LEAVE IT”, which I’m not sure she would have heeded anyway. That wiener was gone from the moment it left my fingertips.
3.) Honor Your Father and Your Mother.
that was my frickin lunch. and you stole it.
4.) Proverbs 26:11
So about 30 seconds later, I hear the tell-tale signs of “Hot Dog, The Remix”. …hork… HORK… HOOOORK!!
“ah geez, belle.”
I’m sure there is no Bible verse that talks about “thou shalt not hurl up stolen processed meat byproducts in Levi’s kitchen” but still. She just sat there horking up grey matter. Grey matter, and a half-a-hot-dog. Unchewed, just swallowed whole.
(Side note, I believe this is a bonus sin, as it is probably a tell-tale sign of gluttony.) And here’s the kicker: she was as grossed out by it as I was.She came over by me and just looked at it, as if to say “Ugh. that is so gross. are you going to clean that up?”I looked at it in dismay and disgust for just a second before turning to her and informing herthat excuse me, but the Bible said she was supposed to be the cleaning crew on this one. no dice.
she just kept looking back and forth from the puke to me.
“seriously. are you going to clean that up / can i have another hot dog”
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